Grief is raw and causes panic

"This is what is looks like. I cannot stop crying, screaming, it is all I can do to breathe. The grief grabs you in a moment and holds on like hell demons trying to kill you. This is the look of being lost and desperately needing your soulmate back, now, the love of your life back, now. This is terrible pain; this loss is not okay and very unbearable. This image is not even me, or not the me before he died.

This is a new, different person. I share this not for sympathy but only to say if you are experiencing something like this, or if you have, I am so very sorry and I understand, I honor you and hold you close. The evenings are bad, nights are even worse. I literally try to stay awake as long as possible or face the nightmares and the loss over and over again, like a twisted penance I am forced to face for having a wonderful life with an angel. The next morning, repeat. I have moments of normalcy, but they are suffocated by sorrow.

Experiencing this loss changes your life and your essence so profoundly that you no longer recognize yourself; your reflection no longer resembles you. 😭💔"

I remember posting this image. I did it to help others understand or to help those in my shoes know they were not alone. Today, I am reliving this for the same reason, to use my life experiences for good. I never posted images like this in a public forum. I always put forward a brave happy face. In reading this, was he an angel from down on high? Of course not. He was a regular guy, one of the good ones. We loved each other and met young, married within a year, but the years went on and life became different, it always does, right?

Losing a person you spent over three decades with, for better or worse, it traumatic. To this day, I have trauma-related instincts or feelings that come out of nowhere (or really, they come from this, his death three and a half years ago). I am remarried and very happy but, if you recall from reading other posts, my first husband died unexpectedly and away from home. One moment I was talking to him and the next day, he was simply gone. So now, when my husband leaves home, there is a part of me that gets really scared and worried. It is a subconscious fear that is really hard to push down. I know in all likelihood everything will be fine, but I have moments where I feel internal panic that is almost unbearable. It is getting better over time, but I never expected to be faced with leftovers from another person's death. I do what I do well, stay busy, internalize, and hug my dogs. But in reality, I know I can do better and where these feeling come from.

Experiencing extreme worry as a result of past trauma is a common reaction. It can manifest as anxiety, panic attacks, or constant rumination about the traumatic event. Coping with these feelings is essential for emotional well-being.

Recognizing and accepting your feelings of worry is the first step toward healing. It’s important to validate your emotions rather than suppress them. Understand that feeling worried is a natural response to trauma. This was hard for me. It took a moment to understand why I was feeling the way I was. I have a perfectionist issue sometimes and I thought I was over this, "grief stuff." Surprise! It stays with you for your lifetime. It is part of your being, part of your learned experience, and that is okay. In some ways, I believe it is good to experience grief and loss because it represents growth in your character and soul. My new husband tried to understand my extreme feelings but trying to explain to him what I was going through was difficult. I did not quite understand it myself until I took time to ponder and reflect and not until I was willing to be honest with myself. He offered me lots or reassurance and kindness, love, and respect. One very positive aspect of our relationship is that he and I are very deliberate to communicate openly and always keep in touch. So, his calls and texts while away really help me. I feel connected and not alone. My deceased husband and I had our last conversation on the phone. It was brief and normal. I never did speak to him again. They never did find his phone. It probably still sits on the bottom of the riverbed.

If recognizing your feelings and coping on your own is not enough, please consider reaching out to a mental health professional who specializes in trauma. Therapy options such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) can be particularly effective in addressing trauma-related anxiety. Truly, there is no shame in getting help. What you are experiencing is real and difficult.

As a Reiki master, teacher, and practitioner, utilizing mindfulness can help you stay present and reduce anxiety. Reiki healing (or self-reiki) can surely help (it helped me a lot through my life and experiences. In addition to that, deep breathing exercises and meditation, yoga, mindfulness massage, body scans to release tension, and grounding exercises, such as focusing on your surroundings are very helpful.

Surround yourself with supportive friends and family. Sharing your feelings with trusted individuals can alleviate feelings of isolation. Support groups for trauma survivors can also provide a sense of community and understanding. Working with a personal development coach (life coach, mindset coach) are also excellent resources of support.

It is often said to identify and minimize exposure to situations, places, or people that trigger your anxiety. While it’s important to face fears eventually, doing so gradually and in a controlled manner can help you feel more secure. Sometimes you just cannot escape so finding coping mechanisms is vital. Understanding how trauma affects your brain and body can empower you. Knowledge can demystify your experiences and help you recognize that your reactions are valid and common among trauma survivors.

Be kind to yourself. Recognize that healing from trauma is a journey that takes time. Allow yourself to feel without judgment and understand that it’s okay to seek help when needed. This is not easy! I am still working on it at times. I thought once my entire life was changed that the trauma and grief were in the past. That is simply not the case. So self-compassion is critical for me and super difficult. I am very capable of finding compassion for others but finding it for myself is tricky.

Writing down your thoughts and feelings can provide an outlet for your worries. Journaling can help you process your emotions and track your progress over time. I used Facebook and a notes app to write down my thoughts throughout the initial year of grief. Now, years later, I am still processing it all and using this forum to do so. I hope it is helpful to you all. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, and you are not alone in your journey.