Grief, compassion, and the narcissist

Writing offers a deeply cathartic outlet when dealing with a narcissist. It provides a crucial space for individuals to fully express and confront the challenging emotions that arise from narcissistic behavior—feelings that are often difficult to communicate through verbal exchanges or social interactions. By committing these thoughts and emotions to paper, individuals can process and release them, leading to a profound sense of relief and emotional equilibrium. This therapeutic process is essential for regaining balance and making progress in life. Today, I am doing this exercise and sharing it with you all. For me, it shows trust in my readers, compassion for myself, and growth as a person to look back and process the hard stuff.

The Encounter: A Day of Reflection

On a gorgeous Saturday morning, the day after I was told my husband was found dead in the river, the local box store was scheduled to deliver a new appliance to my mother. She lived in my extra house on the farm because she was aging and needed help (or so she would claim when it was convenient). She really did need the help, but most of the time, she pretended this was not the case. She and my husband were the organizers of this arrangement, one that I was vehemently against. Why? Well, she had a beautiful house in a nice neighborhood with access to everything she needed—doctors, stores, friends, etc. Yet, she and my husband had decided she was better off on the farm. I know a big part of her reasoning was jealousy and attention because my mother-in-law was also living in that house when she moved in. She had always been jealous of my in-laws or anyone in her life, really. Anyhow, I digress; let's get back to Saturday.

On this day, his mother had since died (about two months before he did) and was no longer there. The home was solely occupied by mine. I decided that, knowing the nature of these deliveries, if we rescheduled, it would be a headache. It was already a headache because she was replacing one of "her" (the mother-in-law's) appliances because, of course, it was not good enough. It was just petty crap that she always did. Yes, she was buying nicer things; she had replaced almost all of the appliances at this point and deliberately erased any notion that the other woman had even lived in the house. I was doing nothing anyway, and I could certainly grieve while waiting for a delivery truck. So, I sat on the porch of the little house, as did my mother. It overlooked the pond, the chicken coop, a gazebo, what we called the bird sanctuary (we had about thirty bird feeders and a few bird baths placed around the pond for the wild birds), and a vast field where deer and animals often roamed. Our dogs played there, and the horses grazed at times.

I was looking at two brownish-colored Adirondack chairs and a small table that sat by the water. My husband and I sat there on occasion, me more than him, really. It was a deliberate placing of seating. It was peaceful and contemplative. It was designed for more time than was spent. He didn't really spend a lot of one-on-one time with me anymore. He always escaped and kept busy on projects that never seemed to end or was caring for the mothers. I think it was a coping mechanism and, in hindsight, a symptom of his alcohol dependency (a story for another day).

Mourning in Silence

As I sat there in silence, keeping to myself, a few tears rolling down my face, not bothering a soul, she asked, "What is wrong?" Well, apparently, the fact that my husband was found dead the morning before was not cause for solitude or peace and quiet. I was mourning and grieving, looking at those chairs. I grieved for his death; he was only 53 years old. I also mourned for the lost decades in our marriage due to influences like elder care, jobs, and alcohol that robbed us of our beautiful lives together. We were the couple people looked at as hard-working and solid. We had all of that, but we also had a lot of sad stuff going on that we kept out of sight (more fodder for future writing).

I told her that I was sad and just looking at those chairs, remembering the good times. Instead of being a consoling mother like one would expect (or hope for), I knew better, so I braced myself. She chimed in with a look of superiority on her face, "You better see a counselor and get over it." I literally was processing what had happened approximately 24 hours before when I was told he was dead, trying to keep normal life flowing (I also had animal care to deal with—dogs, horses, chickens), and she felt she had to respond in this cold-hearted, arrogant manner. Wow, just wow. Counseling is of course an option, but her timing and delivery seemed cold-hearted. I know her, she didn't mean well, she was just being hateful.

It was interesting too because this is a woman adamant that counseling is unnecessary (at least for her). When my stepfather approached her after 28 years of marriage, many of those where he was berated and antagonized by hatred due to her superiority complex, he told her he loved her but that they needed counseling because he was very sad and she seemed to hate him. Her response was that she didn't have a problem nor was she the cause of any. They promptly came to an amenable agreement and divorced. He told me he didn't feel like he had long to live and wanted his final years to be peaceful. He went from a nice house to a tiny apartment, no money, and found himself with a new girlfriend—a woman who was kind and caring to him, not entitled, not mean, and he died happy.

Finding My Space

My response to her was clear and brief. I removed myself from the porch and situation. I sat on my golf cart that was parked in the grass near the long driveway. I waited for the delivery truck in silence, away from her hatred and disdain, away from her cruelty. When the men arrived with her appliance, I pointed them in the right direction and drove back to my house, in the woods, and spent the rest of the day with my dogs, alone, right where I needed to be.

So, this little story is about a woman who always wants to be the center of the stage. She is my mother. She lives to be the focal point and believes the world revolves around her, always. She can be kind and generous, funny and enjoyable to be around. She is intelligent, talented, and was a respected professional in her career days. She can also be wickedly cruel, unkind, and out of touch. She is judgmental, alienates those who care about her, inserts herself into matters that are not her business, and she hurts people with the lashing of her cruel tongue. She seems to believe that money buys love. She views herself as the authority among all in the world, and lest you say she did something wrong, she will go on the attack either by screaming and having a rampage (like throwing things or hitting) or by crying and carrying on as the victim, acting as if the world is out to get her. My mother, in my humble opinion (and that of others), is a narcissist. I love her because she is my mother, but she makes it very difficult.

The Aftermath of Care

Another story (there are so many), I will tell you about the time I saved her life, took care of her medical and financial matters, only to be screamed at, blamed, and disowned for a while because she got better and decided I did everything wrong despite doing everything the best I could and as instructed. She bad-mouthed me and was cruel; I finally walked away. I didn't speak to her for about a year and a half. It was the most peaceful time in my life; I was free from her narcissism. She called the other day. Our call was cordial to begin with. Then she started with her jabs, trying to resurface old, dead subjects that she believes she is right about (despite her being extremely off base). This time, I was more aware of how to handle the situation, and it had zero effect. We concluded our conversation with the niceties of "I love you" and "nice talking to you" and hung up. I refused to be baited into an argument; I refused to be abused. I know that drove her nuts. For me, I realized I was in a much better place overall and in control of my life. I felt proud of myself for not having feelings and anger arise. I have grown so much. I truly am living a new, peaceful existence. How wonderful, how interesting. My new life is not just living somewhere new but being someone different—more evolved and in touch, grounded. I cannot control the narcissist in my life, but I can control how I respond and engage.

Understanding Narcissism

Narcissism is a complex and multifaceted personality construct characterized by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, an insatiable need for admiration, and a notable lack of empathy towards others. This intricate personality trait has been the subject of extensive research in psychological literature, leading to a deeper understanding of its various dimensions and implications for individuals and their relationships.

Individuals exhibiting narcissistic traits often display an inflated sense of self-importance and harbor an exaggerated belief in their own abilities and achievements. This grandiosity is not merely a fleeting feeling but rather a core aspect of their identity. It may manifest in elaborate fantasies of unlimited success, immense power, exceptional brilliance, or extraordinary beauty. Such individuals may frequently engage in self-aggrandizing behaviors, boasting about their accomplishments and seeking to project an image of superiority to others. This grandiose self-perception can lead to a disconnect with reality, as they may ignore or dismiss feedback that contradicts their inflated self-view, further entrenching their narcissistic tendencies.

A hallmark of narcissism is the incessant need for admiration and validation from others. Narcissists often actively seek out attention and affirmation as a means to bolster their fragile self-esteem, which is heavily reliant on external validation. This need can manifest in various ways, such as dominating conversations, exaggerating their achievements, or fishing for compliments. However, their self-worth is precariously tied to the approval of others, making them particularly sensitive to criticism or rejection. When faced with perceived slights or negative feedback, narcissists may react with hostility, defensiveness, or withdrawal, further complicating their interpersonal relationships.

One of the most defining features of narcissism is a pronounced inability to recognize, understand, or identify with the feelings and needs of others. This lack of empathy can lead to exploitative behaviors in relationships, as narcissists often prioritize their own desires above the emotional well-being of those around them. They may struggle to form genuine emotional connections, as their focus remains primarily on their own experiences and perceptions. This self-centeredness can result in a pattern of relationships characterized by superficial interactions, where the emotional needs of others are overlooked or dismissed entirely.

Narcissists frequently experience tumultuous relationships due to their inherent self-centeredness and difficulty in maintaining meaningful emotional connections. Their relationships may be marked by a cycle of idealization and devaluation, where they initially place others on a pedestal but later become critical and dismissive. They may also struggle with intimacy, finding it challenging to engage in vulnerable or reciprocal emotional exchanges. Furthermore, narcissists often manipulate or control others to fulfill their own needs, leading to a toxic dynamic that can leave partners feeling used or unappreciated. This pattern can create a cycle of conflict and disconnection, ultimately undermining the potential for healthy, supportive relationships.

Forms of Narcissism

The scientific literature identifies different forms of narcissism, each presenting unique characteristics and behavioral patterns.

Grandiose Narcissism - This variant is characterized by high self-esteem, a dominating presence, and a strong tendency to seek out admiration and attention from others. Individuals with grandiose narcissism often exhibit overtly confident behaviors and may thrive in social situations where they can be the center of attention.

Vulnerable Narcissism - In contrast, vulnerable narcissism is marked by insecurity, hypersensitivity to criticism, and defensive behaviors that often mask underlying low self-esteem. Those with vulnerable narcissistic traits may experience intense feelings of inadequacy and may react with anger or withdrawal when their self-image is threatened. This form of narcissism can lead to a cycle of seeking validation while simultaneously fearing rejection, creating a complex interplay of emotions.

Narcissism is a complex personality trait that can greatly affect interpersonal relationships and psychological health. Grasping its features and variations is essential for personal awareness and professional intervention. By identifying the various aspects of narcissism, people can more effectively manage their relationships and seek suitable support when necessary. Furthermore, being aware of these traits can encourage empathy and understanding towards individuals who may have narcissistic tendencies, ultimately leading to healthier interactions and emotional resilience.

Navigating Relationships with Narcissists

Dealing with narcissists can be incredibly challenging, as their behavior often feels unpredictable and manipulative. While it may be impossible to change or control their actions, we do have the power to influence our own responses. By cultivating self-awareness and emotional resilience, we can choose how to engage with them, setting boundaries that protect our well-being. This proactive approach not only helps to mitigate the impact of their behavior but also empowers us to maintain our dignity and peace of mind in difficult interactions. Ultimately, while we cannot dictate the actions of a narcissist, we can control our reactions, allowing us to navigate these relationships with greater clarity and strength.

As I was looking through old Facebook posts and images, trying to find these chairs to show you, I came across this post, written 27 days after the encounter with my mother, speaking to my dead husband.

"It’s a cold, windy, sunny spring day here, 40F. I am sitting on the glider bench that always gets tipped back in the strong winds that come across the field. I know you always said that we should move it, but to where? This view is stunning. Our horse farm is peaceful. To my right are our two Adirondack chairs, remember? The ones that look over our pond from what we always called the bird sanctuary, our beautiful sitting area with lots of feeders and wildlife visiting. We would sit and hold hands, talk, plan. They are empty now. I miss you, my love. I will love you always."